


(un)Certainty

by gatsbeh-wat-gatsbeh (mugiwaragrl)



Category: Free!
Genre: (mentions of) - Freeform, Angst, BDSM, M/M, PTSD, Panic Attacks, Past Rape/Non-con, Scene Gone Wrong, Trauma, Triggers, a little ooc, also background SeijuuGou, consensual bdsm after rape basically, mentions of what (really) happened in australia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-25
Updated: 2013-10-25
Packaged: 2017-12-30 10:55:34
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,644
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1017755
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mugiwaragrl/pseuds/gatsbeh-wat-gatsbeh
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Rin wants to please Nitori, he really does.</p>
            </blockquote>





	(un)Certainty

**Author's Note:**

> idk where this came from
> 
> i don't know much about ptsd and this was written too quickly for me to even consider research
> 
> don't ask about the title i came up with it like five seconds ago and not sure if it's good
> 
> also it might be ooc please bear with me
> 
> :D

“Are…” Nitori’s high-pitched voice was hesitant as he fiddled with the riding crop in his hands. “Are you sure about this, sempai?”

 

“I’ve told you a million times, drop the ‘sempai’.” Rin responded, scoffing as arrogantly as he could from his current place; lying back on the bottom bunk, his hands tied over his head, his boxers the only garment he sported. “And if I didn’t want this too, Ai, I wouldn’t have offered.” He flashed him a confident grin.

 

But Nitori, though enthusiastic, was still cautious. He hadn’t meant for Rin to discover his guilty pleasure, and much less that he preferred when he was the one dominating. Rin had confided to him, after they started their relationship, the traumatic event that happened to him in Australia, and the last thing Nitori wanted to do was making him relive it. But when Rin walked in on him jacking off to bondage porn, he had insisted that he was over the event and was willing to “satisfy him like a good lover should”.

 

“Okay,” Nitori murmured. Though, he couldn’t lie and say he didn’t want this. They had gone over the procedure they’d follow three times, and agreed on boundaries. “Remember the safeword?” he asked for good measure.

 

“Outback. Got it.” replied Rin with a smirk at their choice of a word. “How d’you want me to act?”

 

“Uhm… What?”

 

“I can do the Servant or the Victim.”

 

Still a little edgy, despite Rin’s confidence, he asked, “How are those?”

 

“Easy. The Victim goes ‘stop it,’ while the servant goes ‘punish me, maste—’”

 

“O-OH!” Nitori exclaimed with a blush, startled at his crude way to put it.. “Uhm.. t-the Victim…”

 

“Reluctant, or submissive?”

 

Nitori raised his head in skepticism - he was being offered a good deal of choices here. “...Submissive?”

 

“...Reluctantly submissive, or—”

 

“Rin!”

 

There was an infinitesimal, undetectable hesitation, before Rin chuckled. “Just teasing ya. Got all we need?”

 

Nitori glanced at the bedside table, where a cock ring and a rather large bottle of lube waited to be used, and nodded. “Ready?” he asked, and received a happy nod in response.

 

“Action.”

 

Rin decided to start out with some tugs at the bindings of his hands, to give the impression that his character still hadn’t completely given up. He was punished by a smack to the  thigh with the crop, and let out a small yelp, which he prolonged for dramatic effect.

 

“Don’t struggle.” Nitori’s voice was, to say the least, unnerving. The kid’s skill in changing from innocent first year to sex predator in a matter of seconds raised suspicion of a previous acting career (though he did mention something about taking part in school plays since elementary). As he crawled up to meet Rin’s eyes, the redhead made his best intimidated face. “It’ll be worse if you do.”

 

Temporarily stunned by the lustful gaze, Rin didn’t notice his lips pushing down on his own. He gave out a groan of discomfort and squirmed under Nitori, and received another, harder smack in response. His yelp was authentic, this time there was no need to act, and Nitori separated himself and looked down at him with smouldering dominance. “What did I just say?” he drawled on with a seductive low voice.

 

It was that voice that made Rin start hardening, and not without going unnoticed by Nitori. The younger boy smirked, an expression so uncharacteristic of him, and drifted back to sit on his knees between the other boy’s legs. With incredible patience, he rolled down the hem of his underwear, revealing the trail of copper-colored hairs and later his half-hard cock, and pulled it down to his knees. Rin shifted away from him and added a pained “S-Stop… Don’t…” In truth, he felt half ridiculed and half aroused, but whatever made Nitori happy made him happy as well. (Right?)

 

He whimpered when a soft finger trailed up his shaft; circling his balls, drawing over the vein, pressing the frenulum, at which he arched into the touch. Another smack, this time on the hip, made him flinch back away. “You’re being difficult, Matsuoka.”

 

Rin felt shivers running up his spine as he saw Nitori reach for the bedside table and bring back the first of the two objects. Rin’s eyes theatrically widened in fear. “N-No! Please, no— agh!” The ring clamping over the base of his cock made him choke on his words. He let out a long whine of reluctance and tensed up, closing his eyes only to be greeted by a smack to the collarbone. He gasped and opened them again to see Nitori coating his fingers with generous amounts of lube. Leaning forward, the boy latched his lips onto his neck and started nibbling and biting, distracting Rin from the fact that a finger was now nudging his entrance. The older boy grit his teeth at the sensation of one of the fingers penetrating him and tried to concentrate on the marks that Nitori was leaving on his neck.

 

“O-Ow!” he whimpered on a particularly harsh bite. “Please… no…” Another finger snaked into him, stretching him, and his breathing became labored. He tried his best to relax the muscles around the wiggling fingers, taking deep breaths. The third one stung, and he kept himself from crying out by hissing through his teeth. It somehow helped that Nitori moved his mouth from his neck and latched on to one of his nipples, using the riding crop to tease the other, and Rin tried his best to stay still. “S-Stop…”

 

And then the fingers were gone, and he made a small sigh of relief yet disappointment. But when Nitori sat back up, he brought the riding crop to Rin’s now fully hard cock and gave a few rough pats, making him flinch with every one. Then Rin felt the crop trailing down past his balls and pushing into him. He gasped and let out a pained groan. “You’re enjoying this, aren’t you?” he heard Nitori purr, angling the crop and pushing deeper. A painful memory came into Rin’s mind for a brief moment, but he forced it to go away.

 

“What a slut…”

 

…You little slut.

 

The room went dark, then blindingly bright. His hands clawed at cold tile floor, trying to drag himself away. Painful blows were delivered to his head when he struggled. His mouth forced on an older boy’s dick and his behind being torn by another two. Then he was back in the dorm and Nitori’s gaze locked with his own fearful one. And suddenly, it wasn’t Nitori there.

 

Rin’s breathing became heavy as he crawled backwards with an air of desperation, eyes wide and fearful. “No… Safe— Safeword—” he mumbled out of breath as he dove into a flood of horrible memories looking for the safeword. “O-Outback! Outback!” he yelled as he finally found it; but the boy taking off the cockring and the riding crop wasn’t his lover.

 

Nitori pulled Rin’s boxers back on him and leaned over him to undo the ropes on his hands, looking down at his partner. “Rin! Are you okay?! Rin!”

 

Meanwhile Rin only saw a senior Australian swimmer hissing threats and waving a knife in front of him. Rin screamed, thrashing his limbs and backing up against the corner of the bed. The person in front of him switched between the horrified Nitori and the twisted swimmer, and it was driving him insane.

 

Nitori watched as Rin clutched his head wide-eyed, screaming as if he was being tortured, and desperately tried to calm him down. “Sempai! Rin!” he cried, not knowing what else to do in this desperation. “Rin, look at me! I’m here for you!” he tried, but the other boy didn’t show any signs of relaxing and continued having a panic attack.

 

“Ai— Help— I can’t—” Hyperventilation caused Rin’s words to come out choked and incoherent, and tears started spilling out of his eyes as he clenched and unclenched his hands in his own hair.

 

With a loud bang, the door flew open and captain Mikoshiba barged into the dorm along with a few other students. “What happened?! Why is the door locked?!” he asked, looking accusingly at Nitori before turning to the shivering Rin.

 

“H-He’s having a panic attack! I don’t know what to do!” cried Nitori, not daring to go any closer in fear he might cause him to panic more.

 

The first thing Seijuurou did was shooing off the onlookers. “Give him space!” he demanded, and the students backed up until they were outside the door. Then he knelt in front of Rin and looked him straight in the eye.. “Matsuoka, can you hear me? Breathe, just breathe.”

 

Rin’s eyes darted around the room in fear. “I— I can’t—” he managed to choke out. “I have— I have to—”

 

A lurch forward indicated them that he was about to throw up. At lightning speed, Seijuurou lifted him off the bed and dragged him into the bathroom, Nitori following, and barely managed to get there in time for Rin to empty the contents of his stomach into the toilet. The smaller boy sat beside him and held back his hair, whispering soothing words as Rin continued to throw up in convulsions.

 

But after he was done, his breathing was still alarmingly fast, and he clutched at his own throat as if trying to force it to slow down. “Hel— Help me—” And with a hitch of his breath, his eyes rolled back and he collapsed.

 

Seijuurou caught him before he fell and carried him back to the bed without a word to Nitori. While the senior addressed the onlookers, Nitori managed to dress Rin into a shirt and pulled the covers over him, caressing his tousled red hair.

 

“I’m s-sorry…” he whispered to the unconscious boy, a knot forming in his voice. “Rin… I’m so sorry…”

 

Just when he thought he was going to break down in tears, a rough hand grabbed him by the shirt and pinned him to the opposite wall. “I never thought I’d say this to you of all people, Nitori,” said the captain, looking more menacing than he had ever seen him. “But I can see the rope and the crop. What were you doing to Rin?”

 

Nitori felt his shirt burn his skin because of Mikoshiba’s grip as his thoughts raced through his mind.  He couldn’t tell him what had happened to Rin, because the latter had only told him when they were close enough in their relationship. But if he didn’t, the captain might not understand why Rin panicked. Either way, he decided, he couldn’t betray Rin’s trust. Not again.

 

“H-He said he’d play this scene for me,” Nitori stammered. “I wasn’t sure about it, but he insisted he could do it, and…” His voice trailed off as he felt his eyes burn and blinked many times to try to hold back. When he spoke again, he did so in an ashamed murmur. “I agreed… Oh god, I agreed… I-I should’ve known…”

 

In the long, tense silence that was only interrupted by Nitori’s silent sniffles, Mikoshiba seemed either lost for words or thinking everything through. A tightened grip that started dangerously pressing Nitori’s throat made it known that he still wasn’t satisfied. “There’s something you haven’t told me, Nitori. Something doesn’t fit, and if you don’t tell me—“

 

“MIKOSHIBA!”

 

Startled, the captain turned his head to see Rin, awake and sitting up on the bed. He was still shivering, but his expression was, though contorted by the unease he still felt, one of rage. “Let him go,” he said. “It’s not his fault. And if you don’t mind, it’s personal.”

 

Mikoshiba knew better than to take his words too harshly and released Nitori. “The school nurse will be waiting if you want to go,” he stated, his expression going calm again. Then he went out of the room, stopping by the damaged door. “I’ll see about fixing the lock.” With that, he walked into the corridor and brought out his phone. He looked for a contact labeled Gou-kun and texted her.

 

Kou, Rin had a panic attack. I think something happened with Ni- He hesitated for a moment, then erased the last sentence and typed again. I don’t know the details, but could you please come see him tomorrow? But not now, I think he wants to be alone now.

 

He sent it, and a few strides later he received an answer. ;A;!!! I’m going to call him!!

 

Back in the dorm room, Nitori was less than grateful for Rin’s words and only felt guiltier. He had fallen to his knees in front of the bed, begging Rin for forgiveness. “I-I’m sorry, Rin! I’m so sorry! I-I should’ve known!” he choked between tears. Then, strong arms pulled him on the bed and he found himself sitting in front of Rin. The older boy’s eyes were still puffy from the episode, but he was the one calming down Nitori now.

 

“It’s okay now. Don’t worry, I’m fine.” said Rin, his voice quivering ever so slightly.

 

“No you’re not!” cried Nitori. “This— This happened exactly because you’re not fine!”

 

The shrill ringing of a cell phone interrupted before Rin could retort. Not that he could, because this (correct) accusation left him speechless. He quickly snached his cell phone from the desk and put it on speaker.

 

“RIN WHAT HAPPENED?! SEIJUUROU TEXTED ME OH MY GOD ARE YOU OKAY?!”

 

“GOU! Gou, calm down. I’m fine, I’m…” he raised his head and met Nitori’s eyes for a brief moment, sharing an unspoken argument. “...I’m fine, don’t worry.”

 

“Are you sure?! Oh god, does it have to do with... with what happened in Australia?”

 

Rin looked down and sighed softly – not from exasperation, but from weariness. “Yeah, it… It kinda does…” He paused for a moment, as if giving a thought time to develop. “Please don’t tell mom. She’s already dealing with enough shit, and I don’t want to go back to therapy.”

 

The line went silent for a second. “Alright, but just because it’s the first time in a while. If it happens again, I don’t care what you say, I’m telling.”

 

Rin scoffed. “Jeez, thanks for having confidence in me.”

 

“You know that’s not what—“

 

He hung up, placing the phone a little too roughly on the desk, and crawled back into the bed.

 

Nitori frowned. “Sempai, you really should—“

 

“’m not going back to therapy,” Rin muttered, muffled by his pillow.

 

“Why not?!” cried Nitori. “It’s going to help you get over this!” At Rin’s silence, Nitori stood up and meant to climb the ladder to his bunk, but a hand shot out and grabbed his wrist.

 

Rin sat up and pulled Nitori back, staring into his eyes with an expression he meant to be of anger but came out as pain. “I’m already over it,” he started. “The only reason this happened is because of the time, place, and choice of words.”

 

Nitori knew he didn’t mean to put the guilt on him, but it certainly sounded like it. And yes, he knew he was the one that triggered Rin, but he wasn’t about to play victim. So after a brief hesitation, he nodded and lowered his gaze. “…Alright.”

 

He knew Rin didn’t believe his surrender, but the older boy still lied back down. Seeing as he didn’t let go of his wrist, he took it as a sign for him to sleep beside him, so he eased himself into the sheets and wrapped his arms around Rin. Since he didn’t complain, Nitori pulled him in and cradled him against his chest. He thought he heard a soft, “’m not weak,” but the sound was so low he brushed it off as his imagination. But the whispered, self-reassuring phrase that came next was definitely real.

 

“ _I’m already over it._ ”

**Author's Note:**

> SPOILER: nah he's not over it
> 
> i really want to develop this ~~but knowing me i probably won't c:~~ i'm working on it :D


End file.
